Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Body Works in Mysterious Ways

I am a foodie through and through.

I love to eat. I love flavors and textures, and I love the community aspect of eating. I put love into my cooking and I love to see people enjoy something that I've made. I love food.

Unfortunately I can't eat.

My wisdom teeth are coming in and it hurts. I really can't chew on one side of my mouth. It hurts to move my tongue. I don't want to take medication, and I can't get them removed until June. Humph.

I never have been one to lose weight when sick. My mom told me that when she got her tonsils out she lost 10 pounds because she simply couldn't eat. I gained 10 pounds because I continued to eat and all I ate was ice cream and mashed potatoes. I love to eat. And so, it is very much out of my character to have completely lost my appetite. I have to remind myself to grab something before class. Even now, its 12:40 pm and I haven't eaten a crumb - honestly I'm not even hungry.

I can only assume that my body is somehow protecting me from the pain of eating by not allowing me to get hungry. And I wonder - am I starving? I have no idea. I certainly don't feel hunger pains - but I know that I am consuming many less calories then I was previous to the excruciating pain that is my lower left jaw.

I know I should eat- I just don't want to.

Let me know if I start to whither away will you?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A New Start, A New Country, A New Life?

I never know what I want.

If you spoke to me a few months ago I would have told you about how I am to far away from home, that I miss my family, and that I want to be able to attend my grandparent's birthday parties. Which is all fine and good when I am at home and surrounded by family.

When I am home, I want to be home, but when I am away, I am not so sure.

Around 2 'oclock this morning I was doing what I do best, fretting about the future, and during this time I happened to look up the Massey Vet School in New Zealand which, if I decide to go to vet school, is the school I have always wanted to go to and get this: I can start vet school next year. The program is a five year science intensive program that anyone can basically start anytime after high school and at the end of it I would be able to be a vet in New Zealand, Australia, England America and more.

Its got me thinking, why be close when I can be far, far away?

It is just as appealing to me to be close as it is to be so far away that I would have to schedule phone calls. I want to be a critical part of my family but at the same time not worry about the limitations that family brings. If I was miraculously placed on this planet with out connections or people to hold me back I would be gone in a heartbeat. But that's not me. I have school plays to go to, and birthday cakes to bake. I really enjoy doing these things but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just do what I want to do, to have my own life without school plays and birthday cakes.

I think that part of growing up is developing your own lifestyle, so what if mine is in New Zealand? Unfortunately if I decide that it is in New Zealand, I won't get to share my life with those who love me, and how do I know if i've grown up if I don't have anyone comparing me to who I used to be?

So what to do? For now I am going to wait it out and see what schools accept me as a transfer. If I get in to Cornell or Wesleyan I think that I need to complete my degree there before moving on to bigger and better things, BUT if I go to Rutgers then there is a good possibility that you'll be seeing another post about a whole new change in scenery some time next year.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Why do I do what I do?

My English class is probably the biggest cake class that I will ever have the fortune of taking in college and I took it for that reason. I wanted a GPA booster, and I got it. The class is basically us doing reading (or not, the reading is totally not necessary) then going to class where the professor summarizes EVERYTHING we would possibly need to know about the reading. Three tests, no final, one paper. I got a 98 on the first test. Cake.

The paper is due on Friday. All it is, is five pages, explaining how something influenced the writer to write a short-story. I'm doing Religion's influence on "Araby". Sooooo easy. But I can't get myself to get off my lazy ass and write it. Why? I have no freaking idea. I have my sources, I have ideas. I could probably bang this thing out in an hour. Instead, I waste hours on facebook, formspring, twitter, blogger, craigslist and finally stumble (yes that is my order and yes I do look at craigslist, don't judge). After that I usually ponder about my future, wonder if I am doing enough, fret that I'm not, insist that I must be and then start the cycle over again.

Someone slap me?

Oh! To further my means of procrastination, I have put my Kindle to good use. I bought A Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood today. It's a dystopic novel about a future society of barren women, and what happens to the fertile ones. I like it.